after skipping my spanish class for two days straight, i actually show up for it today. problem is, there is nobody else there. so i figure the class has been cancelled. about 40 minutes later i check my email. there is one from my professor telling me that class is going to meet in another room today. so i missed class for 3 days in a row.

and i still don't have a story idea this week. and i'll have to find another by thursday...or i am again fucked.

and it's all these things and more that make me feel incredibly lazy and stupid and worthless.

i'm so stressed from all this work. but in truth it really isn't all that much...but it seems to be too much for me.

the problem is my reaction to any sort of stress is always the same. instead of dealing with it, i ignore it. i go take a nap. i read books that have absolutely no relation to class. i go out after work and drink when i should go home and study. i linger on the damn computer for far too long.

what does it take to make me actually try?

i am completely baffled by people who do things. it takes me an hour to get out of bed every morning.

the only thing i really want to do is go to sleep.

when i'm asleep i don't feel guilty for sleeping too much. or going to bed too late. or ignoring this. or blowing off that. or my complete lack of self-education. or any one of a million other disappointments.

i'd like to be motivated, but i don't know how to go about that.

self-defeat.